life still continues... we all know we must continue living our lives but it's so hard to stay strong and to let go.. i feel sad.. not for myself but for my cousin and my uncle.. just feel sad for them and it's a feeling that seems so hard to explain.. but no matter wad, we will all try to stay strong and give them support and continue living our lives even as our lives are no longer the same as before..

just realised that the 2 people i dun fancy seeing is teaching the same level as me.. before knowing this, i was just trying to convince myself that even though my aunt is no longer around, i still can attend catechism meetings without her, and attend it alone.. but now that i know the 2 people i dun fancy seeing is teaching the same level as me, it would only mean that i would see them during catechism meetings.. and this has made me lose the strength to attend catechism meetings on my own.. it's just that i have to attend meetings on my own now and my aunt is no more around to take care of me, to explain to me some things after meetings if i dun understand and to send me home after meetings.. it's just me alone.. and i'm finding it so difficult to face some people now especially people who doesn't know about my aunt and i'm not close to.. but i tink it all takes time.. just a matter of time..

i will never forget the day i posted my previous post.. 22nd dec.. i actually didn't want to blog about this but i realised that if i dun, i may just break down.. i lost my aunt that evening.. the aunt that my family was very close to.. the aunt that i was looking forward to going for catechist meetings with.. the aunt who looked after me abt a week ago when my family went to malaysia.. i lost her that evening.. and it'll be forever.. i missed her lots.. the last time i saw her was during the 2nd sunday of advent.. and that was it.. i will never see her again or hear her voice again.. but she will alwaes be in my heart.. broke down totally today but i had cousins with me to keep me company and console me.. if it wasn't for them, i wouldn't know wad i'll do..

i would like to thank all my frens who offered their condolences to me especially these people:
1. thanks TRACY for listening to me feeling upset and helping to update me with wan yu and shao nian.. thx lotsa..
2. thx to my dear GODMA for being there for me when i cried at her place on sundae morning and today again in church..
3. thx to CLARE who helped to comfort and console me in church on christmas dae when i cried at the tot of not being able to spend christmas with my auntie anymore..
and lastly,
4. thx to MICHAEL.. u've been a great fren and a great godbro the last few daes.. really appreciate it lots.. P.S i've read ur blog.. really thx... if u and ur family wasn't there for me and my family, i wun know wad to do..

really grateful to all others who helped me in a way or another.. will try to stay strong..

i read my fren's tagboard just now and.. i realised how a person could have grown up over the years.. (not saying 56 but frens...) this fren i've known since young and he's rather introvert?? and very studious.. so when i knew he was in a relationship i was actually quite shocked but a few mths back i found out another news frm another fren.. and i'm glad he's taking things easy as in looking a bit on the bright side..

wad surprises me is that although we're in the 21st century and wadnot, there are ppl who can't take breakups easily and freely even if it's a one-year together thing.. and usually the gals will make a big hoo-ha over it but in my fren's case, it was a rather mutual break up i guess according to wad i heard and wad i saw on his blog.. and yes, although it may be a little torturing but at least u come face to face with reality.. and that's a good thing.. ok, i tink i'm talking a bit of sense but nevertheless, i hope he wun be too sad and enjoy and get over the pain of losing her during this christmas season cause there are still ppl who care about him and want him to be happy so nvm if he doesn't see this post but it's the tot that counts..

christmas is less than a week.. gosh.. get to open the many presents received again although every year, the amount of presents received seems to be lesser... :S but nevertheless... it's christmas and i get to wear my grad dress again!! haha... supposed to go shopping with tracy todae at vivo but the rain spoilt my mood yesterdae so decided not to go out but today was oh so bright and sunny but instead of going to vivo with tracy, i went to TM on my own to get some christmas presents and i've gotten almost everyone's one.. well.. except for one or two more presents but nevertheless, better than nth.. just need to do the wrapping tonite and tmr when my sis comes back with the christmas wrappers..

last weekend was ok except a little lonely due to the fact that my parents and sisters went to KL and i din go so was left alone home.. wasn't quite exactly used to it but was ok.. so yah and of course, they bought things back for me.. so sweet of them though!! haha.. owells.. my house and room is newly painted.. the living room doesn't seem much of a diff to me but the rooms have all got new colours.. parents' room is light blue, mine is lime green and sisters' room is dark blue.. so yah.. seems to blend into the colour of longvale's buildings.. haha.. owells.. christmas party's on the 26th and having some frens over.. hopefully we'll all have a great time..

I WANT THE 2007 J-STAR CALENDAR!!! it's quite nice leh... hopefully i can get it end of this year in sg... and i'm starting to miss zhi and fu.. didn't go and send them off at the airport todae.. owells... sad sad.. i'm getting sick and tired and fed up with my work life...

things never seem to go smoothly for me ever since 26th nov... wadeva that happened, it was all past.. i'm really really tired.. mayb not physically but mentally... after 'o' levels ended, i never seemed to have gotten a good rest as in stay at home and chill out... instead, although i did stay at home, but i was kept busying worrying abt my graduation dress and when i can start work.. but now that i've been offered a job, i dun feel like working and i really mean it.. mayb i didn't notice how exhausted i was mentally when these job offers came knocking on my door.. but now i know.. I JUST DUN FEEL LIKE WORKING AT ALL... just wanna stay home and chill out.. watch my tv, listen to music, read my book, do some occasionally exercise and also occasionally catching up with frens.. but i see everyone so enthusiastic abt their new chapter of their life after o levels.. as for job wise, i'll really turn down all job offer and stay at home and chill out and get recharged and see if i still wanna get a job in jan if it isn't too late... if not, i guess i'll just stay home.. but now, all job offers will have to sae gd-bye to me.. afterall, i'm not in the urgent need of money so i think it's ok.. but the problem only lies with my family members esp. my mum...owells.. no matter wad, life still goes on... and i can only live my day as it passes...

i will not stop worrying till wednesdae evening.. just feel so insecure and hopefully i dun receive any letter from the lawyer of XXX company.... just want wednesdae to faster come and go so that i can set my mind and heart at ease....

just had a nagging frm the parents.. abt my job.. here it goes again: told my boss that i wanted todae as my last dae instead of wednesdae.. and i am willing to compensate them if necessary.. so my boss said ok, next week i dun have to go in.. [partly because i'm not willing to work...]. den my dad said one whole load of crap that i din understand.. and they dun seem to get the pt that i was the one who proposed to the company that i wanted to end my work todae.. and dat i am willing to compensate them.. so i dun see why they must nag and lecture over such stuff.. haiz.. long story lah.. wadeva it is, if it is necessary, i WILL compensate the company with my own money.. so yah.. at the most, i'll just sacrifice my good food and things that i wanna buy that's all.. feeling so stressed up again...

anywae, better blog this lest i 4get..
zhi and fu's flight:
arrival departure
sun, 10 dec mon, 11 dec
12 noon 1.10p.m
BR225 BR226
P.S: TRACY!! 56'S FLIGHT EVERYTHING ON MY BLOG.. DUN SAE I NV TELL YOU!! haha...

short update: i quit my job after working there for 1 day.. just didn't like the job and mayb realised that admin isn't a suitable job for me.. haha.. so i tendered my resignation letter on 2nd day and today, i asked if instead of working till wednesdae, can i compensate the company then.. and in return, my HR said that i could leave and dun go back next week since i didn't want to do it.. so i said ok.. so todae was my last dae but i've got one problem.. my mum thinks that i'm working till wednesdae so from mon to wed next week, whr can i go in the morning?? told my auntie about it so i think chances are i'm going over to her place and will be there till.... evening 5 plus?? den at the most, when i get home and if my mum ask why i so early, den i'll just say cause i finish my work early.. lame excuse but wadeva.. and i just sent an apology letter to my HR.. thank goodness they didn't sae anything about sueing me cause i didn't want to work till wednesdae but i still did my job of doing data entry for them and did a neat work, k.. and yes, i'm sorry for leaving early but wad can i do since i've got no interest?? owells.. anywae, XIEZHI AND RENFU COMING TO S'PORE NEXT WEEK!!!! YEAH!! FOR STAR AWARDS.. DAMN HAPPY.. FINALLY GET TO SEE THE TWO OF THEM AGAIN ESPECIALLY ZHI.. tracy wants to ying jie them but because they come on sun, i can't go so i'll most likely send them off with tracy bah?? who knows.. afterall, i'm officially jobless again and to my family members, i'm officially jobless on thurs.. owells..

things have been rather down for me the last 2, 3 daes.. started on sundae.. owells, shan't go into detail.. see no point in letting those whom i dun wanna know know about such things.. mayb a few of my frens have known wad i'm talking about, but if u dun't.. it's ok.. anywae, graduation lunch was yesterdae.. hmm.. was quite ok lah.. not too bad.. took quite a lot of photos but may not consider a lot as compared to others.. owells.. it's just sad that 4 years have come and go in a wink.. many friendships have been made but whether or not, these friendships will ever last, no one knows but i know out of all the friendships i've made, the friendship i have with another 56 fan will last.. (i hope u know who u are... haha.. ) i expected myself and many others to cry yesterdae but hey, the atmosphere wasn't touchin enough so, yup, no tears came from me.. haha.. many things may not have gone our way thru out this 4 years and we all may had our share of fights and smiles but one thing for sure is, we all had wonderful and beautiful memories in KC.. so even as we leave KC, stepping one last time into the school when we receive our results next year, these memories will be with us till the end of time.. ok.. getting a bit emotional here.. dunno why also but been feeling rather blue so mayb that's one of the reasons..

anywae, i've found a job and i am starting work tmr!! yipee!! after so long.. haha.. working somewhr near singapore expo so will have to take the train to work.. although i'm looking forward to it, but afterall, it's a new environment for me so no doubt, i'll be a little scared and nervous.. owells.. but overall, life's been ok for me despite the ups and downs.. haha.. till my next post, see ya..
P.S i'll try to live my life happy each dae.. i promise i'll try..

i'm "happy" to know that i'm out of job again... how great.. i'm not blaming anyone or the agency but.. haiz.. i woke up happily yesterdae morning to know that i've got another job offer.. but then, i called the agency up just now, to only know that the (stupid) company doesn't want me cause i can't start work on mondae.. all thanks to the stupid graduation lunch!! now, i've to spend another at least 1 week waiting for another job offer.. how nice.. argh!! can someone pls tell me wad am i going to do while waiting for a job?? i can't possibly go out everydae but neither can i stay at home everydae.. this is so sickening.. rather upset now but.. just hoping that i'll get a job soon otherwise, i'm sure to die of boredem by the end of this month... shld have gotten my AQMFS DVD den at least gt show to watch.. -.- owells.. and tracy wants me to blog about this.. rmb the other dae i blogged abt gg to bugis? well, at bugis, tracy lost her wallet at bugis macs and thank goodness, we found it.. haha.. TRACY, HAPPY?? haha.. oh, and renfu's back on wan yu.. :)

yo!! haha.. firstly, congrats to fu for having a chubby baby girl!! he got his wish.. haha.. he and qin will be good parents, for sure.. haha.. anywae, purpose of blogging is not this.. haha... went out with tracy and hui yee todae after sch.. met hui yee at bugis with tracy after tampines.. den we shopped and walked till close to 5 den left bugis after gg to bugis village and somewhr near purvis street.. supposed to go for interview but decided not to after seeing the number of people waiting to be interviewed so we left after walking for so long and almost losing our wae.. den on our way to the building whr the interview was held(which by the way, was some sort rather ulu..), we passed this sort of construction site and the 3 of us were walking when we heard 2 cats fighting inside.. thinking that the cats would run out of some hole that actually couldn't be found, me, tracy and hui yee just started screaming and ran on the side of the road.. haha.. but hey, luckily we weren't in sch uniform lor.. haha... but our main purpose was to shop for our graduation lunch clothes.. and when is our grad lunch?? next mon.. -.- owells.. anywae, my letter got read out on yes 933 and is the first letter somemore!! so happy.. jia hui played 56's song although i really wanted 183's song.. but nevertheless, it's dear's song.. so yah.. haha.. owells.. ok, enough of my crappiness.. haha..

wanted to type in chinese but 4get it.. i dun have the chinese programme.. haha.. owells.. gg out this week.. basically it's tues and either thurs or fri.. go k box.. haha.. anxiously wanting to know if qin give birth alr.. and whether renfu has officially become a dad yet.. haha.. owells.. will have to watch wan yu tmr den will know.. short post.. haha..

watched wan yu last nite as usual but was especially happy.. renfu finally faced the media abt him, ji qin and their little baby.. after all those mths of speculation by the media and fans, he really stood out yesterdae to address this matter.. yes, he shared his feelings abt it and he's excited abt being a dad and of course, he did apologise to the media.. not because he hid the truth from them but because as a public figure not only in taiwan but also overseas, he actually had pre-marital sex which was WRONG!! so yah.. of course, i think with rgds to this matter, i believe 56 and j-star knew about this and they also helped renfu to cover up.. renfu did mention that if it was necessary, he would leave 56, to ease the tension btw them and the media.. well, i guess that even if he wants to leave, zhi and the other members wun let him leave.. afterall, 56 now is 4 ppl.. if he leave, shaowei's busy with 183, 56 will only be left with... 2 members.. so i dun think this is the end of 56.. there'll be more to come.. 56 and the other xiao shi di mei men of j-star also offered their blessings not only to the xiao baby, but also to fu and ji qin.. hopefully they get married some time next year.. wish them all the best.. haha.. owells.. i think when the time comes, fu and ji qin will get married but whether or not, there'll be exclusive shots of the birth of their baby and their wedding, i'm not too sure.. of course i'm hoping but one thing i know is fu will invite sun zong and 56 to his wedding.. haha.. can't wait to share in his and ji qin's hoy in being promoted to becoming parents.. i think tracy dun have to worry about them now bah.. haha...

i'm in a freaking bad mood now.. or rather i'm rather moody.. i lost my calculator.. my calculator that's been with me for close to 4 years!! oh man.. frens sae it's not in school or they didn't take it.. i can't find it at home.. den whr can it be?? haiz.. how nice!! i can't do my maths now.. :( owells.. went shopping todae for my items.. was back at home within an hr.. got my bag!! finally.. after all those mths since august abt wanting to get a big bag for poly next year and for catechism.. and of course, a big bag that can put my things in when i work part time.. haha.. and gotten some other stuff as well.. it's my last week of the o levels!! gonna fight it out and study real hard.. for all u know, this may be the last time i'm studying till next year.. haha.. papers went rather smoothly.. at least for all though.. shan't go into detail but i've gt confidence of getting at least an A now!! haha.. ask me and i'll tell u the subject.. haha.. went for a job interview last tuesdae at Recruit Express.. applied for general admin and bank admin.. quite interested in bank admin and is waiting for a reply from them.. as for the general admin, got a reply alr.. but can only start work in dec whereas the bank admin can start work next fridae if everything goes smoothly.. so will call them up on mondae b4 giving a reply to the general admin.. just for ur info, the bank admin one is either at Raffles Place or Lavender!! haha.. so yah, hopefully i get the bank admin job.. owells.. i'm missing my calculator.. nth seems rite without it..

my pissed level is relatively high now.. all thanks to ming dao.. like shit him lah!! went to the j-star forum to check some things out and ha, i saw this forum about him entering shao nian as one of the permanent host like mayi.. and he may be taking over renfu's place because of some problems.. like helloz?? shao nian was produced because of 56 and now, here comes ming dao 'intruding' the host grp.. he's wad? wanna take over 56's place issit? or wanna be j-star's yi ge? da shi xiong? i eamn he's so damn irritating lah.. if i ever see him in person, i'll tell him that he stands no chance in taking over xiezhi, renfu and shaowei's place as da shi xiong, er shi xiong and san shi xiong in j-star.. he stands no chance!! so wad if 183 is more popular than 56 in china?? i dun think that gives him a reason to be so proud and arrogant lah.. i just can't stand him.. if it wasn't for shaowei, i wun even bother to listen to 183 songs.. 56 fans watch shao nian because we wanna see 56.. shao nian is the only show that allows us to see 56 often on tv.. and now, here comes ming dao who may take over renfu's place in the show and may kick fu out of the hosting grp and wad happens after that? we wanna watch the 4 of them.. all 56 members.. it seems 56's fans are rather angry over this.. i have no idea wad to say but if that bastard does enter the hosting grp permanently, chances of me watching will cut down alot.. because the hosting grp is not complete.. hopefully none of this is true.. and and and and!!! zhi got injured while filming his show in china.. :( although he is now back in taiwan, i still hope he recovers soon.. i just wanna know he's fine and i'll be glad.. really...

decided to do some blogging or rather some reflections over the past 2 weeks of my life.. it seems people are blogging lesser mayb except for some frens of mine.. owells.. afterall this is the exam period for some.. or rather, not for the sec 4s yet.. lesser people are turning up for school nowadaes.. every one seems to be skipping school just to study at home.. and everyday, people ask me" marianne, are you coming tmr??" and my reply is " yes".. reason? simple, my mum wun let me skip school even if my dad allows.. you see.. the problem simply lies with my parents and then frens will start asking me why i nv ever ask.. because i know wad their answer will be.. a very sraight-forward NO.. so why do i ever bother asking when i even know the answer already? but then again, mayb it's a good thing to be present for lessons although nt much of teaching comes about these daes in school.. well, at least questions can be asked on the spot and work can be done rather than i stay at home and know that i'm not going to get anything done at all.. at least the teachers in school make me get some work done.. and also, teachers may even offer help and suggestions on how to study smart.. so yah, mayb it's not a bad thing on going to school even if my frens are not around.. at least i can concentrate better and focus better?? but i know i'm just lying to myself..
my sis asked me about my L1R5 for my prelims this afternoon when i came back from tuition.. well, my aggregate can actually get me in innova jc but i dun intend to go to jc or try out the first 3 mths.. mum and sisters are trying to persuade me to go but i've got no interest.. i really need a break from all that studying over the last conscutive months and so wad if there wun be any lessons for the first 3 mths in jc?? i'm not going to try out and dun ever try to change my mentality of going to jc?? cause i really dun want to.. figured out the purpose.. make me change my decision on going to poly.. instead go to jc, den to uni den to NIE.. how i wish i can just tell them to get off my back and stop irritating me especially these few daes when at the sight of them just makes me feel irritated.. purely due to stress i guess??
sometimes it makes me wonder.. are they so ashamed of me going to poly? even frens are asking me if i'm serious about gg to poly and some even are shocked when i told them i'm not gg to jc.. i mean why the surprise?? i've had enough of the stress from consecutive studying over the past years and i really need a break and i think i'll suit poly life.. afterall, i dun mind getting a lower pay at NIE and even after i'm a qualified teacher.. that is if i dun get a distinction for my english.. if i do, i'll do mass comm and fulfil another dream of mine - to become a chinese deejay and get to interview overseas artistes.. but that is if i do get a distinction for english.. in conclusion, i'm really tired.. mentally drained and my brain's working very slow.. slower than during prelims and i'm scared.. real scared but who is actually really there for me? to hear me talk? to hear me pour my sorrows.. no one.. not even my family members cause they'll only think it's stupid and they only bother about my dear younger sis and i hate it.. i mean it..
i've lost my sense of direction in life.. i've lost sight of my goal.. just wad am i living for?? i really dunno..

firstly!! i'm so glad my hard work did pay off for prelims.. got back a few papers todae.. not the full paper bt like paper 1 and my chem practical.. i can only sae.. i'm more or less rather happy with my results so far.. not too sure abt the overall marks but i'm glad that i'm scoring and getting marks that i've alwaes wanted to see esp. my e maths.. real happy!! it's beyond words.. made great improvement from mid-yr!! i think my teacher will be proud of me.. and for all i know, mayb thru out my 4 yrs in KC, this is the 1st time i'm getting an A for e maths??!! haha.. of course, i shan't be too happy.. results may just turn the tables on me the next few daes during the coming week.. but all in all, i'm really very happy abt my results so far!! i'm motivated to do better for 'O' levels!! haha.. oh, and mrs chua was happy that i pass my a maths paper 1!! haha.. WELL DONE!! KEEP UP THE GOOD WORK BUT DUN BE TOO HAPPY YET!! :)

to give up or not??

spent the last few nites thinking abt my studies after the talk i had with mum on wed.. i'm really tired.. mentally tired.. i've had plans of giving up now on my studies.. just let go.. yes, people will think i'm being stupid or smth but you can nv understand the stress and pressure i'm going through.. even frens who are very close to me.. mayb even tracy can't understand.. give an example.. i'm stranded in the middle of the sea, holding onto a wooden plank, floating to shore.. but the journey back to shore is tiring.. if i can let go and give up on the thought of floating back to land, i'll give up and let go of that plank.. that's what i'm feeling now.. just let go of my studies and give up.. but can i?? many will advise me to continue to hold on for the next 2 months or so.. but do i have the determination and strength to hold on till then?? due to stress, i've broken down at nite.. late at nite after 12 and i cry myself to sleep.. that's what studying does to me.. sacrifices.. i do want to sacrifice my tv time but the tv shows that i watch all help me to de-stress, hoping that i'll be able to absorb my work better.. i believe in that but it's not working out.. i know i should change but if i do change, will i break down eventually? or will i break down a day or two after i change my plans.. i really dunno.. another way of de-stressing would be laughing at the not-so-funny-parts of shows or crying at the most touching part and use those touching parts as an excuse to de-stress.. it's not healthy but i can't help it.. i appear carefree and smiley to those around me but i think no one ever understands wad i'm going thru now.. i need support and encouragement.. but who is willing to give me that support and encouragement?? ok, being emo and i should stop it..
smth happier(at least) to tok about.. told tracy on mon that i'm beginning to like shaowei more than xiezhi.. and she was shocked.. till now, i really dunno who i like more.. zhi or wei? but after a nite of thinking things through, i still think i like zhi.. not that i dun like wei but at the end of the day, i'll still tell tracy that i like zhi.. it always ends up this way.. the last time was li wei lian.. but now, i also think that fei lun hai the wu zun is quite cute!! haha.. but i'll still like zhi.. ok, at least this is something happier i guess?? haha..

stressed?? haha.. i dunno.. people ard me are telling me that.. but do you think i really know if i'm over-stressed or under-stressed?? let me tell you den, i really have no idea!! was just talking to a fren on the phone this evening and she was actually giving me some tips on how to prepare for 'O' levels and wadnot.. and i officially admit!! i have a short attention span.. haha.. oh wadeva.. so yah.. she offered me some tips and yah.. shall try them out? if i can find the time and i'm sure i can.. :S the construction work at my place is really bad.. i can't study peacefully.... [ignoring the fact that i sometimes turn on some music to hear.. but i believe that listening to music helps me to study better though yes, some people will disagree with me.. ] so i'll pack my bag and move to some other places to study during the day.. have made plans to go over to the library and back to school during the study break to study.. at least it's a place more quiet and mayb i can focus and concentrate better.. who knows? ok, moving on to the next subject.... when i just came online, another fren of mine asked me a question which rather shocked me.. haha.. shan't mention the question lah.. it's between me and her.. so yah.. just stop the rumours yeah whoever that started it? it's so not true.. there's nothing between me and *ahem* whom is taken alr.. i think it's quite obvious who *ahem* is alr.. so stop it, ok?? haha.. gotta chill.. owells.. :S