uncomfortable. wierd.

that's what my heart is feeling now.

-edit-
we always seem to be able to try to make time for each other every week,
no matter how busy we both are..
and i'm thankful for that!! :)

p.s: you know who you are..

it's damn irritating when hotmail doesn't allow you to read your emails.. i've got 2 unread emails in my inbox and i so damn can't open it.. haiz.. hope i can read it tmr..

AGM today was ok.. yes, i'm officially level rep for P2.. looking at current circumstances, I'm stuck with being level rep for at least 2 years.. but it's ok.. at least it goes to show that hey, I'm active in church!! :)

a brand new week tmr.. still tired.. never ever seem to get sufficient rest during the weekends.. especially when your weekends are packed with endless stuff to do.. but owells.. P2 meeting almost at the end of the week will keep me going.. and certain people will somehow have their way of getting me to school, just like how certain things will stop me from wanting to go to school..

and for now, i'm off to pack my bag, watch that 5 mins of Little Nonya and hopefully, complete my FOI (Full Of Idiots) tutorial.. good night peeps and have a nice week ahead.. till my next post.. :)

this post is for my dearest jie.. i know you've heard me say this many many times but i'll say it again and you know i mean well for you..

i know you're at a loss when it comes to certain stuff.. i know you have many things on your mind.. but you know what? i'll be your listening ear when you need someone to listen to you rant and vent.. i'll provide you with tissue paper and accompany you 24/7 when you're upset and wanna cry.. of course, i'll also listen to you share your joys (as well as sorrows and woes).. you know that i'm always here for you..

no matter what choice you make, whether it may be a right or wrong choice, i'll always support your decision, your choice.. no matter what you intend to do, i'll always support you.. so long as the choice you make can and will make you happy, make you smile, i'll be happy for you... you know what i mean and what i trying to say can alr.. and when my jie is sad, your mei will be sad as well.. but when she's happy, your mei will also be happy for you.. but hor, you must must must remember! that no matter what, you must always tell me, k? cannot keep it to yourself unless you want me to get angry.. and of course i'll tell you all my secrets too!! we must share everything ok? secrets and whatever we can think of!! and lastly, if you have a bf, you cannot abandon me, ok!! cause i know i won't abandon you if i have one.. you know it.. :)

finally, I LOVE YOU JIE!!! from strangers to friends to dears to now, jie mei.. it's not easy to become best frens, to become dears, whatsmore to become jie mei!! it takes fate to bring two friends together to be jie mei.. i really really really treasure this friendship, this sisterly love between us.. this is our 7th year as friends.. 7 years and still counting.. may our sisterly friendship continue to last forever, till the day we die.. love you lots jie!! p.s: dun cry after reading this if you're too touched, k? msg me after you see this.. :) <3

hello 2009!! HAPPY NEW YEAR TO ALL!! hoping that 2009 will be a way better year than 2008 in terms of everything!! and i'm going to face everything, good or bad, with a smile!! :) and this is the 1st post for 2009!! lol.. ok, my new year wishes are going to come in.. enjoy the partying peeps!! :)

about 4 more hours to 2009!! great!! new start, new year.. mum just asked me why i'm so looking forward to 2009.. my reply was 'because.. 2008 has been a shit year for me..' dears will know why.. although i've made new friends, some of whom has been great frens, asking me how's my life occasionally and listening to me... but you know even then, the year hasn't been a great one.. yes, there were surprises but i think they were more of negative surprises than positive happy ones.. so i'm ready for 2009, looking forward to 2009.. hopefully 2009 will be a better year for me, in the many areas, health; friendships; relationships; studies; and of course loved ones stay healthy and happy always.. but my conclusion is still this: because 2008 is a shit year for me, i'm hoping, wishing that 2009 will be better.. that 2009 will have more POSITIVE surprises for me and hopefully, just hopefully, good news to share with my dears.. they'll know what i mean.. :) to all friends, dears and her, if 2008 has been a shitty year for you too, you know what? look forward.. look forward to start a new year with smiles and great things! always have hope and no matter what surprises you have in the new year, i'm always here for you.. :) so let's say together, BYE BYE 2008 AND HELLO 2009!! :) cheers, people!! :)

school started again.. gosh, now i've got to get used to waking up early for morning classes again.. :( it wld be great if someone could be so nice and give me morning calls on days that i have to wake up early.. it would be greatly appreciated.. lol.. i mean it.. will be blogging lesser.. not so much time especially with project deadlines and to chiong and prepare for main exam which mind you, isn't very far away.. it's in about 2 months time and with my predicted sucky mid-sem test results, i obviously have to prepare early and chiong.. i mean it too.. but will update once more, or maybe twice this week again.. after that, not so often le.. :) ok, school sucks but i'm glad at least the company of friends keep me motivated.. :)

i miss you again...
but i will try not to get upset over you..
it's a promise to myself...
but i'll still try to give you up...

smiles on my face.. created by someone.. lol.. partying soon when the dears come over!! so excited.. after all it has been ages since i last met up with some of them so of course i'm excited and looking forward to it.. :) for now, ciaoz..

other than them,
that idiot is always able...
to put a smile..
on my face.. :)

after this holiday, i came to realise something.. i've somehow seemed to lost my trust in that group of friends.. or rather, they made me lose my trust in this group of friends.. i won't say which group it is.. it just doesn't feel the same as it used to be.. owells.. anyway, MERRY CHRISTMAS to my family, jie, dears and friends!! :)

i love christmas this year..
it just seems so different..
as compared to previous years.. :)

it's been 2 years.. 2 years have just pass like that.. it all seemed like yesterday.. those flashbacks seem so real.. but we've all moved on somehow, one way or another.. we're stronger and living life happily, the way she wanted us to live, even though amidst our smiles and laughter will be that small little sadness... but the lesson learnt from this was to treasure and cherish everyone around you.. this was what hui yee told me today as well.. and this is what i'm telling you frens out there.. only my dears and jie will know why this day mean so much to me..

anyway, on a happier note, been meeting with hui yee up quite often.. starting from yesterday, i think i'll be meeting her almost everyday.. yesterday, today, (maybe)tmr, (maybe)wed if she's decided to come to church for christmas midnight mass with me and my family.. will be glad to have her around! hopefully, we'll meet everyday this week.. of course except for christmas day itself.. i may even meet her on friday to find caroline during her lunch break.. and i'm definitely seeing her on saturday!! gosh, this week seems exciting!! sooo looking forward to it.. :)

sooo looking forward to christmas this year..
no idea why either.. :)

I. think. I. still. miss. you. a. little.

I. guess. my. hopes. are. dashed.


no. call. nothing. at. all.

whee!! first and foremost, mid-sems are over! it's time to party and play!! haha.. although i felt i screwed mid-sems, but forget it.. it's over!! should have fun now that the holidays are here.. lol.. was out till 1.30a.m yesterday! yes, i reached home only at 1.30a.m.. cool, rite? was helping mass comm people with their filming.. or rather, my dear sister was helping them out and i was being her 'nanny' for the day.. but had lots of fun with them!! they're really a cool group to be with.. getting to know quite a number of mass comm people because of hui yee.. but nah, i'm not complaining cause they're nice nice nice people!! :) will have to help them out again with the green screen? but i don't mind.. lol.. last night, had occasional chats with hui yee.. the both of us have sooo many things to tell each other.. and she wants to find out how i'm coping.. (not with school.. some other stuff..) hopefully we get to meet this week.. haha.. :) half a sem's gone.. when sem 3.1 come, i've got no lunch company cause my dear girl is doing her industry attachment.. but hopefully we'll still meet up for dinner and dessert, yeah? but even then, i'm still 24/7 for her.. and of course, for my other dears!!

anyway she asked me something last night but i didn't give her an answer, maybe cause my sister was around.. but yah, maybe someone caught my eye.. i say, maybe.. nice person, rather friendly.. good impression of him.. but before i can really get another eye candy or smth, i think it's right and best of me to forget J first.. i mean, it's only ethical of me.. or at least, until i don't feel a thing when i see him, until i don't get emotional and start crying again.. but owells.. for now, i'll leave it as it is..

an extract from my diary:

yes, i may want to be in a relationship. but i want to be in one that will last. so i guess no matter how badly i want to be in one, i'll leave it to God. cause HE knows best. my life is in His hands. HE has a plan for me. i'd rather wait and look for one relationship that will last forever, than find one but no happy ending. i'll leave it to God... with the recent terrorism attack, i've once again realised that when it's time for you to go back home, when God wants you back, He has a way to want you back up there, even if it means just staying at home. when your time on earth is up, it's up. get the point? likewise even if i'm in a relationship now, he may not eventually be my Mr. Right..

so i guess he isn't for me.. he isn't the one God prepared for me. cause i believe that unless God wants me to become a nun, He's got my other half prepared for me, waiting for me. maybe that true Mr. Right has appeared already but as friends.. maybe he hasn't.. but whatever is it, I'm leaving it to God.. cause I believe and trust in Him that He knows best.. :)

p.s: is anyone still reading my blog?? hmmm.. ok, back to books.. :)

just felt like blogging again... less than one week to my first paper for mid-sem and i have no mood to study.. this is real bad.. haha.. my mind now is all on holiday events.. write and send christmas cards to my dears and friends (after buying them asap..), hair appointment on 17 dec, yen hui jie's wedding on 20 dec, ah yi's death anniversary on 22 dec (so fast time flies.. it's been xxx years already.. the dears will maybe know how long it is..), last minute shopping for christmas gifts on 23 dec, christmas eve mass on 24 dec, CHRISTMAS DAY on 25 dec, preparation for christmas party on 26 dec, CHRISTMAS PARTY on 27 dec, rest day on 28 dec and back to school after that... just the 2nd week of holiday and i'm busy with all the christmassy events!! but yea, i'm not complaining cause i'm looking forward to christmas and the party!! :) haha.. owells.. busy busy holiday.. but firstly, let's get mid-sem tests over and done with.. lol.. excited!! =)

may be going out later.. ok, if i do go out, i'll bring my HR notes along to study.. have to get myself in the studying mood or else no time again.. :) anyway, end of post.. watching tv now.. :)

sooo looking forward to the holidays..
cause of the many happening events..
and cause i'm spending christmas with my dears and loved ones.. :)

we seemed to be drifting further away as half a sem passed.. maybe cause these few weeks i haven been in a stable mood? mood swings come and go very fast.. but is that the reason? or are we getting used to the class that we talk to others yet not to each other? even M could ask if we were ok and did we quarrel.. my reply was no.. but do you think we're really ok? i see you sitting with them during lectures.. i really don't mind cause i don't wish to have any more close relations with them.. but i just feel that it's different when we sit together for lectures.. is it you changing? or is it me changing? without the both of us noticing it? i really don't know.. sometimes, i agree that you can't always do projects with your very close frens.. it won't be as pleasant as you want it to be..

this has nothing to do with him..
and i've woken up already..
and hopefully, i can walk forward more bravely.. :)

do a quick post before i go for my lecture.. cause i really need to blog.. busy as i may be with project deadlines, some 'idiot' is in my mind.. the things nicole and caroline tell me.. they're repeating in my head.. hang on if i think there will be progress, give up if i think there won't be any.. don't regret my decision.. since i've chosen to give up, i should move on.. i really want to do so but is it still possible? i'm really scared i'll regret my decision.. :( mood's been quite bad these days.. dun feel like talking much yet the thoughts fill my mind.. there is a thousand and one things waiting to be done yet i'm not in the mood to do so.. if not is i'm too tired, brain dead.. this can't be happening now.. especially when mid-sem is just next week!

i've got the urge to sms that 'idiot'.. even if it's a 'how are you recently?' sms.. i know that his reply will be short and simple and may hurt but at least i know it'll make me smile a little.. i know if i do that, my dears will scold me.. sometimes, i feel like an ass.. always bothering them with BGR especially when it has to do with the 'idiot'.. yet they always assure me that they won't mind cause that's what friends are for.. argh... just when i thought i could move on, the 'idiot' had to appear in front of me.. hate yet like.. maybe i really am not ready to meet the 'idiot' at all... :(

do i want things to repeat itself again?
do i still think that he'll be nice to me?
do i want to see myself crying over him?
my answer to all that is NO..
yet i'm starting to turn back..
and yet i know that if i do turn back,
my heart will break even more
and i'll cry even more... :(

i really screwed up.. i thought i could let go.. i thought i had let go.. let go completely and totally.. but judging from my reaction, i don't think so.. i saw him today and i can't believe i actually felt happy.. i can't believe that my heart skipped a beat.. i tried to ignore his presence but i couldn't.. i'm not hiding from him or avoiding him.. i'm doing what i told her.. face up and not avoid cause it'll do me no good.. but look at where my feelings are bringing me to.. i'm starting to think of him again.. does all this just mean that i didn't let go completely yet? does all this just mean that i'm still missing him? i'm screwed up..

just now as i listened to S.H.E's song, i nearly started crying.. so i changed song.. listening to it now again cause i think the song is nice but i feel like crying yet i'm holding back those tears.. partly because my sis is in the room now.. but those tears can't drop.. i can't let it flow.. can my dears please tell me what to do?

were the feelings gone at all?
or were they just hiding in a corner..
invisible till i saw you?
i feel like crying.. really..

not again...? starting to cough again.. =.= plus headaches these days.. ahh! wad's happening to me sia? can't afford to fall sick cause tests coming up, projects due.. oh man.. i hope next week not so hectic.. =X

RHRA/MER report to be done.. deadline is next week..

comm skills 2 online problem.. deadline is next week too..
and problem 2 on communication etiquette officially started this week..

PFP test this coming monday.. haven even started studying.. =X

RHRA/MER and FOI mid sem is in 2 weeks time..
haven started studying.. how nice..

FOI project not even started when the other groups have..
PFP is getting nowhere either..

so many things to do and to clear..
yet so little time..

projects, projects, projects and more projects..
holiday starts on 13 dec, friday at 4pm..
but with all these projects..
can i even have my holiday?

i need and want a break..
i want to meet up with Godma and my KC dears..
i need and want a breather..
i need my holiday..

projects and tutorials and tests
go away...
but for now, i'll jia you!
and complete whatever needs to be done by this week.. =)

i thought i would get a call from someone from church this month..
but as the month comes to an end,
i realised that maybe the position wasn't mine at all in the first place..

as such, i've stopped hoping..
stopped hoping about everything that doesn't seem realistic..
i've stopped hoping that the position is for me, just as they said..
i've stopped hoping that that person will call me soon, telling me good news,
news that i wanna hear..

instead, i tell myself that maybe it's a good thing if they decide to change their mind about giving me that position..
at least i can concentrate more on my studies.. (even though i wish i could have that position..)

but while i stopped hoping, i'll still pray..
pray that He knows what's best for me..
pray that maybe a miracle would even come true...

and while i've stopped hoping for this matter,
i've also stopped hoping for another matter..
stopped hoping that i would even see that person online..
stopped hoping that something will happen..
which will change me and him..
stopped hoping that our friendship would develop into something better..

cause all those hoping and hopes will just break my heart one day..
be it sooner or later..
and i know i won't be able to take these blows
especially him..

it all just boils down to one word:
coincidence