i really screwed up.. i thought i could let go.. i thought i had let go.. let go completely and totally.. but judging from my reaction, i don't think so.. i saw him today and i can't believe i actually felt happy.. i can't believe that my heart skipped a beat.. i tried to ignore his presence but i couldn't.. i'm not hiding from him or avoiding him.. i'm doing what i told her.. face up and not avoid cause it'll do me no good.. but look at where my feelings are bringing me to.. i'm starting to think of him again.. does all this just mean that i didn't let go completely yet? does all this just mean that i'm still missing him? i'm screwed up..

just now as i listened to S.H.E's song, i nearly started crying.. so i changed song.. listening to it now again cause i think the song is nice but i feel like crying yet i'm holding back those tears.. partly because my sis is in the room now.. but those tears can't drop.. i can't let it flow.. can my dears please tell me what to do?

were the feelings gone at all?
or were they just hiding in a corner..
invisible till i saw you?
i feel like crying.. really..

not again...? starting to cough again.. =.= plus headaches these days.. ahh! wad's happening to me sia? can't afford to fall sick cause tests coming up, projects due.. oh man.. i hope next week not so hectic.. =X

RHRA/MER report to be done.. deadline is next week..

comm skills 2 online problem.. deadline is next week too..
and problem 2 on communication etiquette officially started this week..

PFP test this coming monday.. haven even started studying.. =X

RHRA/MER and FOI mid sem is in 2 weeks time..
haven started studying.. how nice..

FOI project not even started when the other groups have..
PFP is getting nowhere either..

so many things to do and to clear..
yet so little time..

projects, projects, projects and more projects..
holiday starts on 13 dec, friday at 4pm..
but with all these projects..
can i even have my holiday?

i need and want a break..
i want to meet up with Godma and my KC dears..
i need and want a breather..
i need my holiday..

projects and tutorials and tests
go away...
but for now, i'll jia you!
and complete whatever needs to be done by this week.. =)

i thought i would get a call from someone from church this month..
but as the month comes to an end,
i realised that maybe the position wasn't mine at all in the first place..

as such, i've stopped hoping..
stopped hoping about everything that doesn't seem realistic..
i've stopped hoping that the position is for me, just as they said..
i've stopped hoping that that person will call me soon, telling me good news,
news that i wanna hear..

instead, i tell myself that maybe it's a good thing if they decide to change their mind about giving me that position..
at least i can concentrate more on my studies.. (even though i wish i could have that position..)

but while i stopped hoping, i'll still pray..
pray that He knows what's best for me..
pray that maybe a miracle would even come true...

and while i've stopped hoping for this matter,
i've also stopped hoping for another matter..
stopped hoping that i would even see that person online..
stopped hoping that something will happen..
which will change me and him..
stopped hoping that our friendship would develop into something better..

cause all those hoping and hopes will just break my heart one day..
be it sooner or later..
and i know i won't be able to take these blows
especially him..

it all just boils down to one word:
coincidence

dark clouds.. heavy rain.. may make people feel emo.. but for me, not the case.. instead i have a smile on my face.. not happy cause it's raining.. but this rain suddenly makes me reflect on my life.. =)

life is like the weather.. sometimes sunny, sometimes rainy.. it's something that everyone must experience, whether or not you like it sunny or rainy.. in my case, i relate sunny weather to good times and rainy weather to bad times..

when it's sunny, i have my family and friends and dears to share my happiness with.. but when it's rainy, i still have them to share my sorrows and hear my complaints and lend me a listening ear..

when it's sunny, i have them to laugh and smile with me.. but when it's rainy, i still have them to cry with me..

when it's sunny, i have people who believe and trust in me and be there with me.. but when it's rainy, i still have people who continue to believe and trust in me and be there for me and with me..

these people know who they are.. they know how much they mean to me.. they know i love them lots.. they know that i appreciate all that they've done for me, even if it's just a listening ear.. and they know that i believe and trust them as well.. just like how they believe and trust in me.. and they know that i'm always here for them when they need me, 24/7, 365 days..

i'm glad to have my family, such friends and my SWEET dears with me, whether in sunny or rainy weather.. and i'm really thankful for them..

sunny or rainy weather is something everyone of us will go through and have to go through.. but no matter how long or short each rainy weather is, i truly believe that there'll always be sunshine and a rainbow after each rainy weather.. :) and i hope that if you are experiencing a rainy weather in your life, in your story now, always believe that your friend here is always here for you, always believing and trusting in you.. smile peeps! :)

thank you Lord for giving me these dears and my family..
they add smiles to my life to make it happy..
they add laughter to my life to make it lively..
most importantly, they support me in everything i do..
and they trust and believe in me..
THANK YOU LORD FOR THEM!! :)

with tests and project deadlines due before mid-sem, i really need a break.. like seriously.. i have yet to finalise the details for my christmas party!! gosh, i'd better send out an email informing the dears about it first.. get them to block off that day.. cause it's 90% confirm to be on 27th dec.. i seriously need a break.. or rather, a breather.. busy busy busy.. hectic hectic hectic.. take tmr for example, in sch from 11 to (hopefully) 4pm.. maybe will go back with hui yee.. shall see how..

anyway, today was tiring yet fun! KSCC was fun.. we all seemed rather busy today.. all 6 of us.. can't say what we were doing but yah, we were busy yet at the same time, had fun.. =) i'm starting to love the attachment more.. went home for lunch before meeting caroline.. nicole couldn't make it last minute but it's ok.. many more opportunities in future especially now when the JC ppl finish their A levels.. haha.. so yup, more meet-ups with them.. okok.. i need to slack now.. like really.. ;)

hui yee came over for dinner last night.. it was a last-minute invitation.. lol.. cause she didn't have dinner at home and i didn't want her to eat soo much outside food cause of msg so i called mum and asked if hui yee could join us.. so in the end she came over and i think she enjoyed herself.. with the yummy food (chicken rice) mum made and boy, it has been 2 years plus since my KC dears came over to my place.. and like everyone, she naturally missed my mum's cooking.. haha.. but she had a filling and yummy dinner.. and i enjoyed her company cause we talked about many things, from past to present.. and be surprised, we have endless things to talk about!! :)

was talking to some of my KC dears last night online as well.. and it suddenly struck a chord in me which made me feel that time pass real fast and i've actually known these dears for years.. and i mean, YEARS.. lol..

hui yee, tracy, sueann, samantha etc - since sec 1 till now.. 6 years and still counting..
nicole, caroline (if i never rmb wrongly), carolyn - since P6 till now.. 7 years and still counting..
li ting - since P5 till now.. 8 years and still counting..
fiona low (if i never rmb wrongly) - since P4 till now.. 9 years and still counting..
evadne and charmaine - since P1 till now.. 12 years and still counting..

these dears are the people whom i still keep in contact with.. of course there are many others and most of them, i know from KC.. those from KCP, ha, i lost contact with many except for evadne, charmaine, li ting, fiona and carolyn.. my mum even knows evadne's parents! that's how long we've known each other.. up till now i still can remember how i met each one of this dears..

a special msg to them:
you dears are the most important group of friends to me..
you all rank no. 1 and is irreplaceable..
thanks for always being there for me, lending me a listening ear and believing and trusting in me..
you girls mean so much to me..
i love you girls cause we're KCians and sisters!! <3

p.s: 10 years in a blue and white uniform.. I'm missing those days.. we're like a family that's why we're so close and they're irreplaceable in my heart.. :)

haiz... first is facebook.. now is friendster.. all friends kena deleted when they did the maintenance.. how nice.. =( just finished adding people.. sickening sia.. and now, i can only reply comments after people accept my friend request.. bleh.. =( ok, off to piano soon.. edit later..

-edit-
i seriously hope friendster can fix my problem.. =X anyway, piano just now.. wasn't that bad.. kept laughing and talking abt school stuff (i.e projects, lectures and tutorials..) and personal stuff.. both of us are hectic man.. me and my piano teacher.. and i can't believe mid-sem is coming already! super fast! another 2-3 more weeks and i'm on holiday again.. lol.. and of course, christmas is coming so yup yup, hair appointment! haha.. after mid-sem..

was telling mummy that i decided to stop taking piano already.. the first time i told her this, she suggested that i learn for the fun of it.. now that this is the second time i'm telling her this, seems like she's really gonna let me stop even though she asked me why.. but really, i've got no time to practise.. especially next year.. with CATS, church, school.. pls tell me, where can i find the time to practise.. although i think it'll be wasted and i'll miss learning new songs but yah, this way, i'm not wasting yen hui jie's time, mum's money and my time as well.. =X owells.. but i'll still play on my own for the fun of it.. haha.. learn new songs on my own.. haha... =)

today's sunday..
no sign of him..
yet i wished i saw him today..

advice given by friends:
don't bother.. not worth my time..
not worth saving the friendship..

so....
i shall not bother anymore..
and i don't wanna talk about it anymore..
leaving it behind and I'm moving on..
i've got better and more important things to do..
shan't go and be bothered..

their mouths belong to them..
what they want to deny or say, i can't control..

but if they want to see me upset..
i'm so sorry that they'll have to be disappointed..
because i'm gonna be happy and live my life happily..
because without them as friends, my life still goes on..
and so long as i've got God, my family, my KC dears..
who believe and trust in me,
I've got nothing to be afraid of.. =)

beware! long post cause I'm finally updating.. like FINALLY.. blog left dead for a week.. and within this one week, many things happened.. all related to school..

firstly, I'm sorry I changed my blog address (again).. changed so that there'll be more privacy cause this new address is only known to less than 10 ppl.. so please, respect my decision and not let the others (from TP) know.. =)

school's getting busy that I have yet to practise piano.. shit, I think I"ll get scolded again for not practising.. maybe it's time for me to talk to mum about piano again.. =X but anyway, yes.. busy busy busy.. projects have taken off.. earliest deadline is 3 Dec followed by 5 Dec.. how nice.. just before mid-sems.. but still, that doesn't stop me from meeting my KC dears after they end their A levels.. I'm like going out with them next week already! and talking about next week, my week seems packed.. and out of 5 days, I'm only going to school early on thursdays.. I either report late or start school late for the other days.. nice, rite?! slack.. haha.. things to get done this weekend is my tutorials, study for comm skills 2 and try to squeeze in some time to touch my *dusty* piano..

ok, something more personal.. I'm more or less over that barrier.. but who knows what will happen if we meet..?? but nah, i'm not going to think so far ahead.. =) as for friendships in school, long story to why the friendship is somehow broken but take it as i still want this friendship.. on my part, i'll try to save this but whether it works out or not, will also have to depend on them.. and certain things that have happened cannot be easily forgotten.. overlook their flaws? yah, i will try but it won't be easy.. (sherlyn, understand?) but i'm leaving these things behind.. next week onwards, it'll be better.. and since i'm leaving these unhappiness behind, I'm not going to dig up the past as well.. so don't bother asking me unless I wanna tell you..

ok, off to dinner.. but before i go, just something to end off that I heard it somewhere.. you are the lead in your life.. the main lead.. others are just supporting roles, be it minor or important.. so the story is yours.. and you should live life happily each day.. because of this, i'm not going to let what others say or do affect me.. =) cause I'm going to live a happy life from now on, starting from this moment..

i know you won't read this but..

thanks for adding again.. =)

your friendship still means a lot to me..

-----

everything is just screwed up in my life recently.. either that or everything has something against me..

-edited-

------

true friends don't bitch about you behind your back..
my true friends will stand by me, 24/7, 365
my true friends won't leave me to die... they'll die with me if they have to..
my true friends? they're my KC dears..
and most importantly, my loved jie.. <3

5 days a week..

will meet hui yee at least two days a week be it for lunch or just going home tgt (hui yee, see this??).. =)

-edited-

ok, i'm out of here.. and no, i'm still emotionally unstable...

I think my blog will be left dead for a period of time..


or at least until i make sure that i'm emotionally stable before it'll be revived..


i'm sorry but what you see now..
is all a pretence from me..

sherlyn dear, don't get too high during lectures and tutorials.. it's been great so far having you for lessons and lectures.. at least i don't feel so left out.. and yes, i'm enjoying school cause it's a distraction.. with you, xiao min and DJ during lectures and with you for tutorials, i'm really thinking lesser already.. *hui yee, see this? i'm thinking lesser already... lol.. *

anyway, i think i'll be listening to hui yee's advice regarding certain issues.. you know can le.. =) and we can meet for lunch on mondays, wednesdays and thursdays! just call or msg, k? i'll look for you if i need company.. haha.. i don't think my friend, sherlyn, will mind.. heehee..

from total strangers to friends to best friends to dears/dearies to hao jie mei.. i'll truly treasure these friends.. while i can have many friends and best friends, i can only have few dears and dearies cause we can clique and have topics to talk about.. but i can only have 1 hao jie mei.. she know who she is can le.. =)

ok, i'm off to shower before i start on my research for comm skills.. so badly need to complete that tonight cause it's HSM3 and dinner tmr with hui yee.. yeah! can't wait.. heehee.. =)

-edited-
I've made my choice.. I hope i don't regret.. i know i may and will feel like shit when there are encounters in church.. i know i'll be damn down and emo after each encounter but this is the only thing i can do in order not to get hurt even more.. but i really considered a lot and with her advices, i'm making this move.. i just hope i don't regret.. and i know while going through this, she'll be there to hear me out, listen to me talk.. i know she'll bring me out for dinner and dessert and try to cheer me up.. at the same time, i'll be strong.. i'll focus on my studies, together with her.. the both of us will chiong studies now.. we'll have each other as company..

a best friend is a sister God forgot to give you..
to me, she's more than a best friend..
she's my hao jie mei whom no one can replace..
and she'll be the only one..
this is my assurance to her.. =)

back from my trip yesterday but was too tired to update.. and i'm still tired.. lol.. almost couldn't wake up this morning for tutorial.. anyway, overall, the trip's great! had fun shopping, walking around and we were either eating or shopping most of the time.. let the pics show you..

*BEWARE: YOU MAY GET HUNGRY AFTER SEEING THE PICS!! lol.. =)

our lunch for day 1!! keow tiao soup.. not too bad.. yummy! =)

our gelato ice-cream at the first shopping mall.. the mall was near our hotel that we walked there and back.. lol..

our dinner! chicken rice balls at Jonkers.. It's actually those shops in the midst of a night market.. it was really packed and squeezy that i got a little irritated.. the place, however, reminded me of taipei's hua si night market..

we had wan ton mee on the 2nd day after church at Jonkers again cause the sisters wanted to get pineapple tarts.. the serving was really small that me and dad had 2 plates each.. great food once again.. and that's my drink - herbal tea.. had an after-taste but good to cool down cause the weather was real hot!

that's our dessert.. also at Jonkers.. mum, dad and my 2 older sisters had chendol while me and angel had mango ice kachang.. it's really different from Singapore.. Singapore got a lot of kachang but over there, no, it's only sweet corn and kidney beans.. and small portions so was easily gone.. the dessert really came at a good timing cause the weather was so hot that i think you can heat stroke...


that's our tea-cum-dinner.. we had satay at 4 plus.. it was like a satay buffet.. where you sat and eat until you had enough.. but no, it wasn't free.. you had to pay for the number of sticks..

try guessing the number of sticks we ate in total?? lol.. we ate a total of 115 sticks.. but the satay was good.. yum.. smelt of satay after that.. anyway, end of pics... didn't take pics for dinner on day 2 cause i forgot.. was too hungry but the serving was big! and mind you, we had western... from chicken chop to chicken thigh to lamp chop to sirloin steak.. price was rather reasonable upon conversion back to singapore dollars.. that's why it's worth to eat western in malaysia cause in singapore, it's only half the price! no pics for the last day as well cause it was home-sweet-home.. lol.. overall, really had fun!! from now till mid-semester break, there's no more holidays so let's get down to business, frens!! =)

P.S: yeah! HSM on thursday!! whee!! finally something to really cheer me up.. =)

extracted from sherlyn's blog.. "happiness is seeing marianne in sch everyday." hahahahaha..... sherlyn, i'm so touched.. really.. lol.. we don't need to make new frens le.. we go be anti-social ourselves!! haha.. but no, we must try to clique with them, ok.. haha, even though we know we're happy with just the company of each other.. lol.. to me, i'm having happiness already.. cause happiness = family, happiness = friends i love, happiness = GOD, happiness = being able to teach young kids catechism, happiness = jie who always listens to my complaints and good news, happiness = liking him even though it may one-sided... happiness = current life!! =) cheers, people! =D

p.s: i so wanna watch HSM3!! i'm into HSM these days.. cause i think zac efron is cute!! lol.. =)

headed down to thomson today just before school for a eye check.. mild eye infection... eyes too dry, dead cells(?) results in no wearing of contact lens for one week.. that is till next thursday when i go back to thomson to check again.. so i'll be in specs this week and next week.. how nice but can't be helped.. my eyes are more impt.. and yes jie, i should have listened to you.. =x called the eyewear shop just now to see if i can get my new specs on thursday instead of friday.. cause friday's a long day for me.. after school got to come back home to pack for malacca trip.. so i thought thursday would be better.. they called me back and said if they receive it tmr, i can go and collect.. i think the salesperson heard wrong day but never mind.. lol... ok, i'm sleepy.. but i can't nap otherwise tonight i'll be an owl.. O.O

bad news... at least, it's bad news to me.. went to make new specs just now after seeing my jie get hers.. design is similar to hers and it's blue! hers is blue as well but different shades.. like mine! =) however, bad news is i'm officially $100-$200 poorer (shan't state the exact cost lah..) and my degree for both eyes went up! like rocket sia! right eye increased from 650 to 750, left eye increased from 600 to 650 and astigmatism went up by 50 for both eyes.. yikes! how bad is this.. double that of my second sister! =S i've so gonna take better care of my eyes now! and good news is that the design's nice that i may consider wearing specs to school on certain days.. haha! cause i think the design's rather fashionable so heehee.. and bad news (once again) is that my eyes are super red now! all thanks to my contact lens.. i may not wear contact lens tmr to school le.. depending on my eyes.. hopefully it's just because i didn't sleep well last night that's why it's red.. owells.. anyway, from this week onwards, i'll be rather busy for the next few weeks, including weekends.. this long deepavali weekend is gone, next saturday and sunday will be in church (somehow looking forward to it...), following saturday is thanksgiving and BBQ in church! how nice! owells.. maybe it's a good thing.. =)

jie, enjoy your long long long weekend, k?! your 'stupid' mei will get you snacks from malacca.. meet up next week to pass to you.. the day we meet (which is most prob a wednesday?), i'll wear my glasses to show you!! i promise.. haha.. lol.. dun miss me, yeah? haha... -loves-

I've got to say I'm sorry.. i tried not to think so much but the more i try, it's worse.. i said i won't bother and focus on my studies now but i can't.. i really wanna know how you're doing, are you ok.. all those outings with hui yee did make me enjoy myself and cheer myself up.. it really worked but i don't deny that somewhere in my heart, i'm thinking about you.. please don't doubt that my smiles are fake.. it's real, it's coming from my heart but i'm sorry that he's affecting me now.. those thoughts.. those factors that are popping up.. they're making me think a lot again, making me consider if i should let go and give up or should i hold on to my happiness, that he's the one.. making me consider whether it's like or infatuation... blinded by the desire to be in a relationship.. but i promise, that when school starts tmr, i'll be fine.. i'll try to divert my attention to studies.. and i'll not be that emo and down but more happier cause i've got friends around me to make me stay happy.. i'm sorry but i'll be fine... =)

maybe i don't belong in your world at all...
maybe you don't belong in my world at all...
that's why I'm thinking a lot again...
I know I've got to move on and be who I am again...
but I seem to be stuck at this point..
I don't seem to be able to move on for now..

have been up since 7.15 this morning till now.. heehee.. surprisingly i could wake up for the orientation but sadly, i was a little sleepy and maybe it's been quite some time i woke up early, i started going crazy as what xiao min they all know.. super high during the break and sherlyn and me kept laughing and talking.. haha... although we're different timings for our attachment, we're glad to be in the same class.. =)

gg out later in the evening at 6 plus.. meeting dear hui yee for dinner and shopping at bugis street.. heehee.. hopefully even when school start, we can meet up once every few weeks for dinner and dessert at blk 85 or simpang bedok.. don't mind going to simpang.. geez, she'll know why.. haha.. ok, let's enjoy the last 2 days before school officially open.. and i've got no more free day but it's ok.. =)

-edited-
got home not too long ago.. tired after one whole day.. the both of us.. but we had fun at bugis.. had some heart-to-heart talk with hui yee, shopped at bugis street, chatted and laughed in the train and at bedok inter.. we didn't go home empty-handed.. hui yee bought a pair of jeans which was nice and i bought a pair of shorts, as a present from tracy (THANKS GIRL!!) and a bag, the kind which i've been looking for since last year.. so was pretty fruitful, as always! :) too tired to blog already.. nights peeps! =)

jie, thanks! thanks for hearing me out each time i got a problem.. thanks for hearing me out each time i tell you updates (you know about what lah..).. thanks for always bothering to go out with me every time i'm down because of certain reasons.. although i feel i'm not a good jie mei as you, but i know you <3 me! lol.. hope you enjoyed this holiday cause we've been meeting up! when school start on monday, we still must continue to meet up, yeah? and i'll still continue to update you.. and on mondays or wednesdays, if you wanna meet up to go home tgt or even for dinner and dessert, i'm just a call away.. jie, remember that your mei is always here for you, k?! just like how you're always here for her.. =) -loves-