Reflections;

Emotional rollercoaster ride. But now, my emotions have settled. From being angry to now simply, calm. It was a feeling of betrayal. So how would one expect me to pretend that it didn't happen, such words were not said etc. But rather than say I'm still angry, I'd rather now say that I've accepted those facts cause facts can't be changed, just like history. To me now, some words no longer mean a thing to me. They just become strangers with familiar names. For the past 21 years, to be honest, my true smiles from the heart came from friends. And some friends know me better than them. Because I felt that I could trust friends more than I could trust them.

Calming down, I've never felt loved by them all these years. Maybe cause I wasn't as independent as the first one, I wasn't as smart and clever as the second and the fourth. But be it among them or with the relatives, I never felt loved. Cause whatever I wanted as I started to grow up, more often than not, I had to use my own money to get it myself. Everything was kept within me because I felt that they couldn't be trusted and that my matters would be told to people whom I don't wish for them to know. And it has happened before.

And so right now, although on the surface, it's family. But beneath it, I'd rather choose to be independent myself. Go to work on my own, taking the bus, even if it means waking up 30 mins earlier, leaving the house 20 mins earlier and squeezing with people on the bus and spending a little more on transport everyday. They can jolly well take it that the money given to them each month is for rent. All I need every night would just be a place to stay and a place for me to shower and use the laptop. I spent more time out of the house than at home, maybe with the exceptions on weekends. But the fact is that even if it isn't now, one day I'll grow up and live my own life. And thankfully, I'm not very much depending on them to give me allowance, to feed me or to pay for my degree studies (which I intend to pay on my own, even if it means delaying my further studies for a few more years). But I guess what really made me angry and upsetted me most in this incident was that it's scary that even family members can turn the tables around and say things that you never thought they would say. Yet it's through this incident that made me tell myself that I can trust no one except myself and those who prove that I can trust them.

I may be a nothing or a nobody to you, or be a disappointment in you.
But to me, what others see or think of me doesn't matter
Cause this is my story.
My life's journey's written by me.
The only outcome at the end of this journey is to ask myself,
Have I made my life an interesting and fruitful one?
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till then;